I’m tired of life

Tired. Just want out.

In my head, it all seems mundane everything feels hurtful overwhelming dull

It doesn’t seem to me that I’m going anywhere with life — not when I’m so dependent on peoples validation (mind u on social media) not when I’m never happy being on my own not when I get so sucked into self destructive behaviors that distract me from my pain

Not when I’m not fucking happy.

My therapist says: “You have fed your body, created the biological condition which enabled you to interact with everything conceivable to your senses. It is now time that you feed your soul.”

But all I want to do is starve my body, and with it my soul my mind.

I want to starve, become smaller, to disappear. I want to take less space and become less of a human — that is how much I feel the burden of being alive is- it is too much and all I wish to do is make it less.

This is what I want. This is how I feel. Nothing and Everything.

But what I want and feel does not matter, because if anything it is self sabotaging and toxic.

What I want and feel will not change the mere reality that everything just is.

What I want and feel will not change what I will do, which is to pull myself together and through, and move forward.

Even though all I want is to stop, I will not. I can’t.

My inner workings of resilience- they keep me going.

I am lonely and